Thursday, January 15, 2015

Through the Valley

Hello lovelies,
I know this will be a tough one to write, but I am honestly ready to visit those times and put them into words of what going through a hard time can be like and most importantly how to move forward. Although it was hard, it really has shaped my heart to be hopeful and to be where it is now. I'm going to be real honest ( just a disclaimer ) and I know that sometimes these things aren't brought up. I know for me the people that have been so open about their journey really helped me know that you are not alone. Some may choose to keep it to themselves, which is of course is their own personal decision and I respect that. As a believer I think a way God heals our hearts when you through trials is he uses you to be able to help and comfort others in situations you share. When you hear others have gone through similar situations and they came through, it gives you Hope. If you are going through the same thing, that is what I pray I can bring to you this year: a glimpse of Hope.

While we are only still in the beginning of this journey to start a family, I wanted to write through the process in hopes it can provide some comfort to those who are in the middle of it too. I also think it will be great to look back and see over this year how things will unfold. Michael and I got married in June of 2013 and we knew we wanted kids one day, sooner than later. We decided to wait a year and then try. Two months later and 3 days late I excitedly took a test and within seconds it was positive. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I kept saying,"Oh my Goodness." over and over and over, haha. I couldn't believe it happened so quickly! I couldn't wait to tell him and we held each other tight from the absolute pure joy of our little miracle. I happened to have an appointment at the Dr. a couple weeks later and I called to tell them happily it would be for a different reason! It was a little earlier for an ultrasound than the usual 8 weeks, but we were still able to see that tiny baby on the screen. It was unreal. We told immediate family that afternoon and they were so thrilled. There was So much to think about from the planning to decorating a nursery. Our world was rapidly changing around us and little did we know it was about to turn upside down.

I will never forget that day. I woke up Monday morning August 25th and knew something was wrong. I called the Dr. and they suggested I come right in so I did. I honestly didn't think it was anything major but I wanted to be safe. As soon as I stepped into that office and before anything was done she already had declared it was a miscarriage. I couldn't believe she uttered The horrifying M word. After a quick scan she showed me that the baby was no longer there and the process had begun. It was such an out of body experience. I was in shock. She was the coldest woman and handled it like it was nothing. As soon as it hit me the tears began to flow and she left me in there sobbing, all by myself. I caught my breath and gathered my things and walking out I'll never forget her face, because she gave me the fakest smile she could muster up. I couldn't catch my breath on the way out of there and all the way home. I called Michael and he met me at home. I ended up having a natural miscarriage, which I am thankful for since I didn't have to have any procedures or medicine. Physically crying doesn't even portray the scale of the hurt. It was the deepest pain I had ever felt.

Even though I hadn't been through pain like that, I still was covered in peace. I knew in that moment I was not alone and that God Still had a plan for us and would see us through to have a family one day. It just wasn't our time yet. That first month was really hard, but I never was angry just sad. I went to a baby shower in September thinking I was fine, but the truth was it was really overwhelming and after I left I cried in my car. It was tender since I was surrounded by pregnant friends, even one sharing my same due date. It has taken time for my body to heal and get back to normal which is very common. I think when you want something so bad you grow impatient and that is the worst thing to do. Over the last months I have really come to realize that I am not in control of when it will happen. You have to take comfort in knowing God Already knows your future and when the time is right it will happen. I know first hand that attitude is easier said than done. But you have to trust that trying to have control will only leave you frustrated. I think that appeals to many things other than having a baby. It's been a lesson in patience and I have grown in my faith because when you are waiting that's when he wants you to pursue him most. It may be many more months, but I know when that miracle comes, that baby will be here exactly when he or she is supposed to be. A couple weeks ago, I went to a prayer night at church and it was his perfect timing because the night was about praying for people who were having difficulties getting pregnant or had a loss. I thought to myself this is God working to heal my heart because it was such a powerful time of healing and prayer just when I needed it most. It just gave me that extra hope I needed.

 I know countless women go through this every day. I am eager to see this journey continue and I am thankful for a loving husband, amazing family and friends, and a God that yearns for me to draw closer even through the pain. I hope you can read along and join us on this chapter of our lives. It will be a one with a happy ending, I just know it.


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